Head case (2/3)

Then Shug comes across his first challenge of the evening. Scampering round the outskirts of the club, he bumps into a drunk, grumpy-looking woman. She takes exception to this, grabs the suitcase's handle and tries to pull him over. Quick as a flash, Shug spins around, wraps one of his legs round hers and knocks her to the floor with a swift martial-arts move. That'll teach her, the pissed-up moody cow. Her boyfriend, who looks worringly hard, sees the whole thing. Fortunately, instead of beating the shit out of all of us, he doubles over laughing. We suddenly decide Shug is the coolest person in the world. Back in the VIP bar, Shug relates his adventure. "You did what?" asks a shocked Kushty promoter as we prepare to go back to Sheffield for Gatecrasher's fourth birthday party. "You knocked her over?" He thinks for a minute. "Nah. Good for you."

"She shouldn't have tackled a suitcase who is trained in Tai Kwon Do," offers Shug, by way of explanation. At Gatecrasher, Shug draws the same amazed reactions. "That's the best fucking thing I've ever seen in my life," says one bloke,who looks like a walking advert for Mitsubishis. For a grand finale, Shug - who can only see through a tiny opening in the suitcase's zipper - barrels straight into Judge Jules. First the pissed bird, now Judge Jules goes right on his arse. This is all too much.

By now, we know Shug can fit his upper body into a suitcase. We know he can amaze the crowds and terrify the wobblers. We know not to muck around with his carrying handle or we'll end up eating carpet. But how will he cope outside his normal clubbing environment? Let's go to a fetish club and see. The woman on the door of London's Torture Garden looks a bit surprised. "What's in that suitcase?" she asks, suspiciously. "I will be, later," responds Shug. She shrugs her shoulders and lets us in. There are some seriously freaky-assed characters in here. There's a bloke underneath the fag machine, dressed as a French maid and tied up with rope. He is struggling furiously. If we untie him, will it make his night or ruin it? It's all very confusing. And what on earth will the kinky hoardes make of the suitcase? Perhaps they'll just think he's got a particularly twisted fetish. Maybe they'll ignore him.

After all, there's a fella over there tied to a crucifix, having his bum whipped. Is that more or less interesting than a suitcase with legs? Time to find out. Shug makes his entrance onto the dancefloor. The whole club stops and stares. A middle-aged bloke, wearing a schoolgirl's uniform made out of rubber, points at Shug as he scuttles past. "Look at that!" he shouts. Distinct case of the pot calling the kettle black, we fear.