Worst Dance Records
6. Slipstream 'We Are Raving' (Boogie Food)
Another dark moment in Rave's Hall Of Shame. This was Rod Stewart's 70s anthem 'Sailing' re-recorded with an ingenious lyrical change and a breakbeat backing. Popular in Scotland, 'We Are Raving' is the most compelling argument imaginable for the continued illegality of drugs. The video, incidentally, was directed by a struggling indie singer called Jarvis Cocker. FACT!
Year: 1992
Chart position: 18
Worst bit: People waving scarfs along to it
7. Skin Up - 'Blockbuster' (Love)
Hardcore ravers were masters of subtlety, weren't they? Note the way Skin Up cunningly slipped references to the rave scene's drug of choice into Blockbuster: having a bloke repeatedly shout "GIVE US AN E!" and "GIVE US ANOTHER E!", having backing vocals that go "E! E-E! E! E! E-E! E!" and a particularly good bit where all the music stops and an 'amusing' munchkin voice goes "E 'em up, yum yum! E 'em up, yum-yum!" Oh, go choke on your dummy, you glow-stick brandishing fucknut.
Year: 1992
Chart position: Yeah, right.
Worst bit: We actually used to quite like it
8. Rednex 'Cotton-Eye Joe' (Internal Affairs)
The entire genre of 'banjo house' should be confined to the bargain bin of history. Rednex's 'Cotton Eye Joe' was its apotheosis, a record which made the Grid's teeth-gritting 'Swamp Thing' sound like 'Smokebelch II'. "Been out a bit for Cotton Eye Joe, I been married a long time ago," sang the Swedish vocalist, blissfully unaware that no one had a fucking clue what he was on about.
Year: 1995
Chart position: 1 (for three weeks! Three bloody weeks!)
Worst bit: They came on the telly, dressed up like cowboys
9. Undercover 'Baker Street' (PWL)
A couple of grizzled mobile DJs hooked up with engineer Steve Mac to add a house-lite twist to the hoary old busker's favourite. Some unfortunate people played air sax while dancing to this record. Undercover went on to produce a house version of a tune by Foreigner before everyone realised how horrible they were.
Year: 1992
Chart position: 2
Worst bit: Singer's uncanny vocal resemblance to Rick Astley
10. Oceanic 'Insanity' (Dead Dead Good)
Another cynical rave cash-in from Liverpool, this featured the usual lyrics about "madness" and "getting out of it" delivered by a bowel-looseningly terrible voice which was utterly out of tune. The vocalist's live performance on Top Of The Pops traumatised an entire generation.
Year: 1990
Chart position: 3
Worst bit: What does "dream tripping, yeah, that's where I wanna be" mean?
Lest we forget ...
MC Rage's 'Fuck Macarena' (label unknown)
DOOF-DOOF-DOOF-DOOF! "Everybody gabber hates the Macarena... fuuuuck the Macarena" DOOF-DOOF-DOOF-DOOF! Lasts for a very long time.
DJ Miko 'What's Up?' (Systematic)
"An' I sez HAY-HAY-HAY-AY-HAY! HAY-HAY-HAY! I sez HAY! WHASSS-GOIN' AAAAHN". Remember?
Xenophobia 'Rush In The House' (Kickin')
'Ardkore versh of The Kinks' 'You Really Got Me' with lyrics cleverly altered to "Ecstasy, it really gets me going, it gets me so I don't know what I'm doing". Right, good idea.
Sperminator 'No Women Allowed' (Rotterdam)
In a bizarre act of self-criticism, this gabber tune had a picture of an enormous ejaculating penis on the sleeve. Truly horrible.
D-Code feat. Beverli 'Wonderwall' (Neoteric)
Bangin' Euro version of Oasis ballad. Vocals sung by woman with lungs apparently made of iron. Cack.
Shaft 'Roobarb And Custard' (FFRR)/
Urban Hype 'Trip To Trumpton' (Faze 2)/
Smart E's 'Sesame's Treet' (Suburban Base)
No explanation necessary.
Anything whatsoever involving N-Trance
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