Worst Dance Records

For ten years, club culture has spawned the freshest, most innovative music in the world. But let's not kid ourselves - there's been a lot of other stuff that's been, well, utter shite. Here's our selection of the most cynical cash-ins, naff novelties, misguided experiments, and drug-addled disasters ever to grace a set of Technics...
Writers: Neil Stevenson and Alexis Petridis

1. Doop 'Doop' (Citybeat)
Dutchmen Ferry and Garneski's biggest selling contribution to club culture was a 1920s Charleston dance combined with Euro synth riffs. Caned by Tall Paul and Nick Warren, plus Judge Jules and David Morales, who both remixed it. The national press ran stories about young people adopting the vintage dance 'craze': a low point was reached when a TV programme showed pensioners doing the Charleston along to 'Doop'. The clubbing nation snapped out of its trance, disowned this monstrosity, and pretended no one had ever played, or danced to it, or even written about it (yes, we had it in Mixmag too - doh!). But the trauma still lingers.
Year: 1994
Chart position: 1 (three weeks)
Worst bit: That fucking woman going "Doobie-doobie-doobie-doobie-doo-doo-doo-doo"

2. Scooter 'Raving I'm Raving' (Club Tools)
Shut Up And Dance subtly altered the lyrics to Marc Cohn's 'Walking In Memphis' by changing every other word to 'rave' or 'raving', thereby ensuring they made no sense whatsoever ("I put on my raving shoes and boarded the plane" - nice). Cohn's lawyers, unsurprisingly, took a dim view and SUAD's version was withdrawn. That didn't stop German ravers Scooter covering it: a European smash despite an extraordinarily bad vocal, lunatic acid lines and, the cherry on the top, massed bagpipes playing 'Scotland The Brave'. This record really has to be heard to be believed, as has Scooter's previous hit - a cover of Billy Idol's 'Rebel Yell'.
Year: 1996
Chart position: 33
Worst bit: The bagpipes! The bagpipes!

3. Ferrerolicious 'The Ambassador's Party' (No label admitted responsibility)
A key release in convincing clubland dream house was not, actually, so hot an idea. Borrowing the backing from BBE's 'Seven Days And One Week', it added Robert Miles-y piano playing - yes! - the music from the Ferrero Rocher ad, complete with spoken lyrics along the lines of "the Ambassador's receptions are known for their good taste". To add insult to injury, the flipside was a happy hardcore version. I swear to God we're not making this up.
Year: 1996
Chart position: None
Worst bit: The girl purring, "Ooh, Ambassador, you're really spoiling us..."

4. Dr Spin 'Tetris' (Carpet)
A cash-in that made 'Trip To Trumpton' sound like 'Strings Of Life', this record was condemned as "really tacky" by no greater authority on the subject than Ray Slinjngaard - aka that bloke out of 2 Unlimited. A hideous dance reworking of the Nintendo theme, this was spawned by the production team who topped the charts two years previously with 'Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini'. But to fully understand the dark forces at work behind this record, you have to look to the credit for "executive producer". Oh Christ. It's Andrew Lloyd Webber. Honestly.
Year: 1992
Chart position: 6
Worst bit: All of it

5. Purple Kings 'That's The Way You Do It' (Positiva)
At one point, it looked as though house music was entering an unholy marriage with guitar rock: successive dancefloor hits sampling Nirvana, Guns N' Roses and even Van Halen. But the Purple Kings plumbed the lowest depths with this cheap Dire Straits knock-off. Has the world ever seen a sadder sight than that of people in a club playing air guitar to the riff from 'Money For Nothing'?
Year: 1994
Chart position: 26
Worst bit: Everyone who bought this was effectively giving money to that bastard Mark Knopfler

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